Spreading Lies

As two of the only three smokers in our entire group, Nicole and I immediately bonded. Standing outside of the university hall, Japanese college students chatting on the side, are they talking about us? I took out a cigarette. “Hey, can I use your lighter?” I asked. She was leaning against the concrete pillar, smoking. She tipped her head to one side. Her brunette hair falling over part of her face. “I forgot my lighter and had to borrow one. If it’s okay, we can kiss.” Though I tried not to show I was shocked, she burst out laughing and walked over. My cigarette limp in my fingers. She hands me her lit one. “Here,” she shows me. Her lit cigarette against my unlit one. “Take a smoke, like you would normally do.” Mine catches on fire. My lungs fill with the rush of invisible air that I know kills me slowly. But I don’t care. My head fogs up and for a moment, it’s just me.

We sit in the tiny Japanese establishment on the Kamogawa River. The sun is hot outside; we are tired, and wanting to cool our throats with cold beer. She tells me what a pain it is to find people to hang out with. “It’s like we’re back in high school,” she jokes. We gossip about the nerds, the jocks, and the pleasers. “Annie’s lesbian,” she notes. “Well, she seems lesbian to me.” I listen. Neither denying nor confronting her observation. We head down the river bank and hop across the river, making sure to step exactly in the middle of the turtle shaped rocks. Though it’s not deep, we’d rather not have to explain our wet shoes to our Okaasans. “I had fun!” she raises her arms towards the sky.

Annie’s precocious. Very smart intellectually and superior to everyone else, Annie knows there’s something wrong. We go shopping at the local 100 yen store and she bursts out in tears. “Hey,” alarmed I put my arm around her shoulders, “what’s wrong?” We’re preparing for our fall group trip. We were told to write our names in rooms for each hotel we would be sleeping in. Marissa, Diana, Melinda and I all opted to share a room. Annie wanted to be with the cool kids and had written her name into their room. “Tracy said I smell!” A tear falls on her cheek. “Hey – you know Tracy can be sarcastic. Don’t take it personally.” I tried to console. But no amount of comfort could alleviate her apparent hurt. “And they think I’m a lesbian!” she wails. I’m deeply uncomfortable. But I don’t say a word. “I’m engaged for goodness sakes! How can I be a lesbian?”

We take a ferry to a magical island to see the Giant Torii rise out of the lake. It’s dry and we stand like ants next to the giant orange gate. A Shinto bride takes her vows in the inner sanctum of the shrine and the sake barrels beckons us to touch their colorful hulls. We open the windows of our room. Instead of hearing the call of cicadas in the night, we hear heated fighting on the balcony next door. Annie and Nicole are facing each other, tense and obviously angry. I should have stayed out, but I didn’t.

I became the tattle-teller. Thinking to ease her worries, I only served to confirm the truths of her statements. She’s a lesbian. “Who?” She demanded. I was caught in a corner and in a futile attempt to escape the situation, I only dug my feet in deeper, “Nicole.” There was a slight pause. “Hey – we were just talking one day – don’t take it personally. Let it go” I advised.

The next morning, Nicole confronted me. Outrage I had ratted her out. “It’s your problem now,” she exclaimed. I threw my cigarette down on the ground. “No,” I replied, “I’ve got nothing to do with this.” There was a tense silence and I left.

How childish! I mentally screamed. Annie couldn’t keep her mouth shut. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. And Nicole couldn’t keep her mouth shut. Though I regret the hurt I cause unknowingly, I regret even more not apologizing to Nicole. Annie, it would turn out later, would go on to cause more havoc in our ranks. I chose to distance myself from their politics. Let them at it, I fumed. I only want to have fun here. It’s my time to have fun.