Unattainable

I want to fall in love. I wrote in my diary. It was 1994 and I was a junior high student. That year was the year I dabbled with smoking. The year I flew with friends and skipped school to enjoy a day at the nearby park. It was the year of watching boys my age and giggling with friends about who we thought was cuter. It was the year I wrote love notes and dropped them in the locker of the boy who I had a huge crush on. The boy with the receding hairline and large forehead. The boy I thought was a good enough match for me. I don’t remember his name, but I do have his picture in my 7^th grade yearbook hearted out with an arrow and the following message: he’s my man.

Not much has changed since those days. I still go to the bar with friends and we still check out boys and occasionally the men who catch our attention. We still giggle and talk about finding Mr. Right. And of course, I still want to fall in love, even though many people tell me it’s not all that. Get yourself a puppy, they tell me. It’s not the same, I respond. I want the love that Meredith Grey speaks of in her monologue to Doctor McDreamy. She says: Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Though many women, including myself, watching that scene cringed at hearing her utter these words, I think we all secretly wish we could say those words to somebody. It’s uncomfortable to put your heart out there, to be torn apart. But I can’t help think that perhaps without having that experience, you’re not really living. I’m not really living. So how can I fall in love when I can’t fall in love? I write a friend and she tells me to simply wait. I can’t wait anymore, I cried out when I received her letter. I propped myself on the leather couch that needed to be cleaned again and thought about her words. I continue to read and she writes, let others see the beautiful Lucy that I know. They can’t start to love you unless you let them inside your heart to see the beauty that I know is there. I can’t help myself, and I start to cry.