Unknown Roads

Father! I want to cry out his name and shake him out of this stupor that seems to hold him enthralled. I don’t think he is a prisoner. Or if he is, then certainly a voluntary one. I have little patience for Father’s lack of motivation. Though I try to understand his reasons for ceasing to want to live a fulfilling life with us, I am perplexed. Why not just leave? Why not just recreate, reinvent a new life for yourself? Why live day to day with no thought of the future in mind? His therapist told Mother he didn’t understand Father. Why is it that your sessions are vastly different? He asked Mother. When I ask your husband to talk about his problems, he says everything is fine. But you, when I ask you to speak, the words flow, the anguish is apparent. I do not know what to believe.

Mother says that’s how Father has always been. Ever since I’ve been married to your Father, he has changed very little. When asked to defend himself, Father makes a half-hearted attempt and fails to tell us his side of the story.

As their only daughter left to care for them, I feel deeply concerned about the apathy I see daily. I feel burdened by something I do not know about. Something I feel I cannot fix. Marriages are between two people. And children, especially, should not have to be the decision maker. I find it extremely frustrating when Mother delegates the role of disciplining my younger brother to me. They’re your kids, Mom. You’re the Mom, they should learn to respect you and you should be doing the disciplining. But she waves my concerns and arguments away. How did I suddenly inherit a role I did not want? A role that Mother and Father should rightfully have? And yet, at the end of the day, they want the kids to answer to them. So why tell them I am the disciplinarian? Aren’t we just then sending them mixed messages?

I ache to talk to someone about these issues that occupy my mind daily. I long to unburden some of the responsibilities on someone else’s shoulders. And yet I cannot. To speak ill of my parents would be ungrateful. It would hurt them much. My siblings no longer care. And I cannot leave my parents alone. Uncared for. Though no matter how much energy it may seem to seep from me, I love them and honor them above all and so I cannot leave them to an uncertain fate. What do you do when you are bound by cultural ties that seem to have no rhyme or reason? Mother cannot leave Father because he would certainly be shamed before his male peers. And Father doesn’t want to leave Mother, I think. She is the rock that has always been there, solid and waiting. Something he could always rest on, lean on, to shoulder his troubles, his life, his children.

Is it too much to want more than is prescribed in the stars? Can we really change our fortunes? I hope so. Father wrote a letter of acknowledgment, that he would change for the better. He made a deal with my cousin’s spirits. I hope he is able to keep his promise. I fear the endless repeat of a life that has served to only drag his name in the mud. I only want him to be reborn, in the next life, as someone who has earned the right to live happily.

I want Mother and Father to be happy. I want to be happy. But the path towards happiness is filled with hurdles and I do not know where to begin to unfurl the puzzles that lay before me. To solve them before it’s too late. Before the dream is nothing but a dream.