Dalliance with the Untouchable
She knows she should not have. But she did. It was the intrigue. The wantoness that spurred her to pursue this path. She wanted to be the “not” good girl anymore. And so she let herself slide comfortably into a lie that he wove. A lie she could see right through. And yet, she deliberately tuned off the warning bells that clung to her ears.
He was older. Mature. And he knew exactly what he wanted. So did she. Though many times she let him think she wanted what he wanted. She let him lead the dance to debauchery. Once or twice. No, many times she had turned her head to look back. To see if there was some way to redeem herself. What if they knew? Her life as she now knew would crumble. Family. Friends. Peers. Mentors. They would all be deeply ashamed of her actions. Of her inability to control this need, this desire to be the “not” good daughter anymore.
She lied to him. She said she loved him. She said she was pregnant. She said she was deeply in love with someone else. But to no avail. He saw through her lies. She saw through her lies. She tried to scare him away, but each and everytime, he knew that she was not serious. That the words were lies. Each and every time.
The boredom is vast. She no longer desires to be the “not” good girl anymore. The ritual that once shook her to delirious laughs, no longer attracts her. And yet, she continues to play this meaningless game. Has she settled into a pattern that holds some sort of powerful sway over her? Or is it the pattern that so many fall victim to? The motions we go through without even intending to?
He tells her he’ll be here in the fall. I’ve got a business deal I’ve got to close. Will you meet me? She told him yes. Of course. But in all honestly, she doesn’t know if she will. No. The very fact that she has made this statement, the doubt that scours her mind, truly, it means she will meet him again. But she knows she should not.
She wonders. Will someone tell her to stop. Will someone stop her? Will someone help her break this cycle that she has created out of a need to be a “not” good girl anymore? Perhaps, this is a cry for help. Perhaps, she will not meet him. She doesn’t want to meet him. He will be her undoing. Could she pick up the pieces after she’s become undone? That, she does not know. And for that reason, she is scared.
He was older. Mature. And he knew exactly what he wanted. So did she. Though many times she let him think she wanted what he wanted. She let him lead the dance to debauchery. Once or twice. No, many times she had turned her head to look back. To see if there was some way to redeem herself. What if they knew? Her life as she now knew would crumble. Family. Friends. Peers. Mentors. They would all be deeply ashamed of her actions. Of her inability to control this need, this desire to be the “not” good daughter anymore.
She lied to him. She said she loved him. She said she was pregnant. She said she was deeply in love with someone else. But to no avail. He saw through her lies. She saw through her lies. She tried to scare him away, but each and everytime, he knew that she was not serious. That the words were lies. Each and every time.
The boredom is vast. She no longer desires to be the “not” good girl anymore. The ritual that once shook her to delirious laughs, no longer attracts her. And yet, she continues to play this meaningless game. Has she settled into a pattern that holds some sort of powerful sway over her? Or is it the pattern that so many fall victim to? The motions we go through without even intending to?
He tells her he’ll be here in the fall. I’ve got a business deal I’ve got to close. Will you meet me? She told him yes. Of course. But in all honestly, she doesn’t know if she will. No. The very fact that she has made this statement, the doubt that scours her mind, truly, it means she will meet him again. But she knows she should not.
She wonders. Will someone tell her to stop. Will someone stop her? Will someone help her break this cycle that she has created out of a need to be a “not” good girl anymore? Perhaps, this is a cry for help. Perhaps, she will not meet him. She doesn’t want to meet him. He will be her undoing. Could she pick up the pieces after she’s become undone? That, she does not know. And for that reason, she is scared.
posted by Lishtar at
4:32 PM
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