Random thoughts....

I was so upset. The letter upset me. I knew I shouldn't have called Mother and Father. But I did anyway. Because I was upset and didn't know whom else to call. But I've only increased the pain and the worry that squeeze my Mother and Father dry. So dry, that I worry that I will lose the people I love most. And so, I reprimand myself for rashness with undue reasoning. I will not do that anymore. My heart will not rule over my head. Because I cry. I am unreasonable. And actions such as those, hurt the people I love most. God, I don't want to cry anymore. Tears haven't helped me. And I need to overcome the hardships that seem to follow my every move. I want to disappear, but I know if I do, no one will care for Mother, Father, and Edward. Catherine can take care of herself now, so I don't worry as much about her. But it's the youngest, it's the oldest, and I am brought back to reality. That without me, perhaps they will cease to exist too. And what kind of a world would that be?

I've thought about it. But beyond the actual thought, no. My mind, my heart says no. And I no longer delve into dark thoughts that may take me away from the earth upon which I snuck away too.

Now that I'm here, I should complete my duty and love Mother, Father as much as I can. Maybe it's the retribution? I need to be stronger for my parents. They need me more than I need them? No, I need them more, and so I have to be stronger so they can stay here with me. Until I know how to walk properly on my own two feet.

I don't know why I was so upset. It's laughable now, almost. How petty. It's not worth my tears. My heart crying. I am stronger than that. I am no longer upset. Because it's so petty. On my to do list, it's so little, minimal. I can go change that address. All she had to do was ask nicely. politely. once more without being catty and mean. who am i kidding? she doesn't care about us. to her, it's her number one priority. to me, it's my last priority. in the grand scheme of things, I have more persistent issues at hand. but, i will go make that change when I can. to me, it's not pressing. no matter how pressing it is to her.

she hates me so. I have no idea. I most likely will have no idea even after death. why does hate persist? I don't know. I don't hate. And I have no idea why she does. Why she spends more time hating than loving. but that's her problem. my main issues are taking good care of mother and father and Edward, and Catherine too, I suppose if she needs taking care of. And most of all, I need to take care of myself for mother, father, edward and catherine. because, if i'm gone, what will they have? if they're gone, what will i have?