The break-up of Family

It's funny how the littlest argument can escalate into a fiasco. The family ties that once weaved my family together is slowly, but surely disintegrating. Who's to blame? I don't know.

I had lunch with a friend. She always asks after my family. My sisters. Like me, she has the same number of sisters and brothers. I don't know why I suddenly felt the tears creeping, gathering at the lids, slowly descending down my cheeks. In public. I was horrified to be caught so emotional. A simple question. An simple inquiry into the welfare of my family, my sisters could send me into a facial mess. I was surprised. So was she.

How did it all start? It was so long ago. I forget. But it probably was something insignificant. Not worth making a big deal out of it. And yet, the wedge that separated us has grown bigger and bigger each year. Until now. We no longer speak. They have said they don't like me anymore. How childish. They are cutting me off.

I sometimes wonder. Would it be better if I wasn't here? Would my disappearance make things better? Would it make them happy to know she's no longer there?

For the first time in a long...long while, the sound of the thunder rumbling above me, the sudden *clap* of the lightning striking, made me jump, made me scared. I don't know why I should be scared of such a natural occurence. But my senses heighten and I am completely aware of every little move that my eye can catch from the very corner of the eye slit. Just the slightest movement unnerves me. I've lived too long among the stories of long ago. I should be less frightened, not more. It's good that we're getting rain now. I like rain. I am always reminded of the cleansing effect rain has on the earth. The dirt on the sidewalk washed into the tiny cracks in concrete sidewalk. The cleansing of the soul. The cleansing of the mind. A refreshing start. The smell of the earth rising back. Renewed and refreshed. Ready to face the world. Ready to change.

I don't always like the changes that occur. I like routine. I like to know...to expect what I should be getting. A fair price. A meal. And yet, it is always the unexpected that brings excitement to my boring life. Though I protest, and loudly so. I am actually pleased to have something unexpected happen. Gets my brain thinking. Gets me energized. But the energy is never long lasting. So short. I revert to seeing the world around me pass. Do I change too?

Like thunderstorms. Infrequent. People come into my life. They depart. We meet again in the future. And we never see each other again. I am tired. I am looking for a reason to live. I am me. Trying to find what my true purpose is. Trying to achieve big things. Wanting to achieve great things. Wanting to be honored and to be remembered. Unlike thunderstorms that come and go. Barely there and already dismissed. The sun and the cool breeze erasing all memories of the brief storm. The loud thunder. The bolt of lightning that scared me silly.

I am 25 going on 26. This is my blog. A blog that will, to all and to none, to speak of my selfishness. To speak of the ordinary events in my life.

A toast to this blog. May I continue to write in here. May I continues to be me. May I continue to change for the better.