Random thoughts....

I was so upset. The letter upset me. I knew I shouldn't have called Mother and Father. But I did anyway. Because I was upset and didn't know whom else to call. But I've only increased the pain and the worry that squeeze my Mother and Father dry. So dry, that I worry that I will lose the people I love most. And so, I reprimand myself for rashness with undue reasoning. I will not do that anymore. My heart will not rule over my head. Because I cry. I am unreasonable. And actions such as those, hurt the people I love most. God, I don't want to cry anymore. Tears haven't helped me. And I need to overcome the hardships that seem to follow my every move. I want to disappear, but I know if I do, no one will care for Mother, Father, and Edward. Catherine can take care of herself now, so I don't worry as much about her. But it's the youngest, it's the oldest, and I am brought back to reality. That without me, perhaps they will cease to exist too. And what kind of a world would that be?

I've thought about it. But beyond the actual thought, no. My mind, my heart says no. And I no longer delve into dark thoughts that may take me away from the earth upon which I snuck away too.

Now that I'm here, I should complete my duty and love Mother, Father as much as I can. Maybe it's the retribution? I need to be stronger for my parents. They need me more than I need them? No, I need them more, and so I have to be stronger so they can stay here with me. Until I know how to walk properly on my own two feet.

I don't know why I was so upset. It's laughable now, almost. How petty. It's not worth my tears. My heart crying. I am stronger than that. I am no longer upset. Because it's so petty. On my to do list, it's so little, minimal. I can go change that address. All she had to do was ask nicely. politely. once more without being catty and mean. who am i kidding? she doesn't care about us. to her, it's her number one priority. to me, it's my last priority. in the grand scheme of things, I have more persistent issues at hand. but, i will go make that change when I can. to me, it's not pressing. no matter how pressing it is to her.

she hates me so. I have no idea. I most likely will have no idea even after death. why does hate persist? I don't know. I don't hate. And I have no idea why she does. Why she spends more time hating than loving. but that's her problem. my main issues are taking good care of mother and father and Edward, and Catherine too, I suppose if she needs taking care of. And most of all, I need to take care of myself for mother, father, edward and catherine. because, if i'm gone, what will they have? if they're gone, what will i have?

Grandfather Thao

Dear God,

In my next life, I want to be a better child, a better grand-child, a better sibling. I want to be a better person with a better life. In my next life and the lives to come, I don't want to meet them anymore. I don't want to meet again the sisters who hate me so. I don't want to meet again, the brother who hates me so. I don't want to meet those who hate me so. That when the very sight of my name on postal mail, the very mention of my name incites in their hearts that know not how to forgive and the memories that cannot forget, anger and incredulousness arise to levels that cannot be measured.

In this life, I hope that I will complete my duty. That my caring for Mother and Father, and for the younger siblings will be enough to redeem me so that I may be reborn in a better life.

I told Grandfather Thao tonight that he should go away. Obviously, he doesn't love us, he doesn't love Mother, otherwise, the accidents would not have happened. I forgive him, for trespassing. I forgive Grandfather, but if you cannot love us, like you love them, then by all means, go away. Go and stay with them, those who you deem are worthy of your protection and love. Go away and don't bother us, if you're not going to be a loving and protecting Grandfather. That is my message to you. And if it's about your books, if you want your sons and grandsons to have them. Go tell that message to Mina. Tell her to tell me. And I will most gladly be happy to hand them over to their rightful new propietors. Obviously, if that is so, I was mistaken in asking for the books you lovingly cherished. Books that I also cherish, for the simple facts that they were yours and I love books.

Next time you trespass Grandfather, I don't know if I'll be as understanding. But tonight, I forgive for harming us, for harming my precious car, my first car. So, be understanding and if you don't love us, go away. If you can't protect us, go away. If you're only going to harm us, go away. I want to be loved, protected. All human beings want that. We don't suddenly wish to be harmed and unloved. So...Grandfather Thao, now that you've passed the realm of the living and until we honor you one last time this weekend, please don't cause problems for my family. I love my family and it hurts me to see you harm them, harm us.

I loved you Grandfather, in my own, even though you clearly didn't love Mother. You clearly disapproved of Father. But part of me is Mother too, and Mother is a part of you too. So I loved you. And I'm saddened that you have chosen to cause more harm to my family, to Mother, to Father, to me. Saddened because in my heart, I know you really don't love us. And so, that is why, I am respectfully requesting that you cease your harmful intents towards us, and leave us be in peace. Please. We only ask that you love and protect us. But if you cannot, then you have no place in our home. And if you are here because Grandmother Thao is here, temporarily, then at least be respectful of my Grandmother, my Yang ancestors, Mother's spirits and cease from all harm towards us.

It's not too much to ask.

Thank you.

First Date

The wind is blowing hard outside. She could feel her car swaying from side to side as she waited for the light to turn green. Though she wavered in her decision to meet her date for the first time, and it seemed, the strong gusts of wind were howling their disapproval, she hardened her mind and left her apartment.

Running late, she texted him, hoping he had somehow changed his mind. But his text read, No problem. I’m already here. I’ll wait. Damn! She gritted her teeth. Her hope diminished.

She parked her car on the street and was glad she hadn’t worn a dress. Her usually tidy hairstyle was wildly flying to the wind’s whim as she approached the doors of the museum.

Once inside, she instantly recognized him. He wore a bright blue jacket and standing by the café, he loomed over her tiny frame. She smiled and said hello. Hi, he replied, the corners of his mouth curving to show the world his dimples. I already bought us tickets to the exhibit. Her lips formed an oh, and she gracefully accepted the ticket he held in his fingers. You shouldn’t have. She said. And they left to view the images, paintings, 3-D sculptures, and cinematic puppets.

Sitting at the crowded café, she told him she didn’t like the exhibit. I’m kind of disappointed. He agreed and asked her if she wanted more coffee. Shaking her head, she asked him if he wanted to walk in the arbor outside. Look, the wind has stopped and the sun is out.

Walking next to him, she felt immensely small. Her neck craned to look up in conversation. Her vertical challenge was at that point, very apparent to her. They talked about things they enjoyed, places they wish they could visit, books they’ve read, music, and dating. He asked her how many other men she’d met through the dating service. Oh…she smiled serenely. Her eyes twinkled. She shook her head. He laughed. Okay, I won’t ask. She tilted her head and asked him how many dates he’s been on. Five or six, he answered, unhesitatingly, honestly. And she prodded him with questions and he talked. He talked, until he realized she hadn’t said much about herself. Let’s talk about you instead, he said. What do you want to know? She answered. If it’s within my ability to answer, I’ll gladly do so.

They sat on a bench for a long time, enjoying the glow of the sun and the quiet of the day. They chatted easily, but she decided to end their date. It’s getting late, I probably should head home, she told him. She smiled. It was nice meeting you, he said. Yes, same here. They walked back to the museum. Where did you park? He asked. Over there, she pointed to her car. Oh, I’m parked on the other side of the building.

As they neared her car, he waved goodbye and left. She stood watching him not looking back. She sighed a sigh of relief and entered her car. It was finally over.